27 April 2014

Anatomy of an Afternoon Nap | Mom vs. Dad

MOM
takes a nap
 
| 2:45PM |
 
Crawls into bed
 
| 2:52PM |
 
Remembers an urgent email. Climbs out of bed, locates the laptop and quickly responds to it.
 
| 2:56PM |
 
Returns to bed.
 
| 3:07PM |
 
Eldest arrives home; slams garage door. Bag (roughly the weight of a vintage Cadillac) is dropped onto the tile floor . Dog barks 'hello!'
 
| 3:14PM |
 
Dog feels lonely and sad. Pushes open the bedroom door, jumps onto the bed. Licks Mom all over her face and up her nose. Possibly touches her brain.
 
| 3:15PM |
 
Exeunt dog.
 
| 3:19PM |
 
Dad arrives home with Littlest. Dog goes fucking mental. Three full minutes of hysterical barking ensues.
 
| 3:25PM |
 
Dad crawls into bed (stealthy, like an elephant) and offers to rub Mom's back to sleep.
 
| 3:27PM |
 
Dog feels excluded. Scratches at the bedroom door until Dad gets up, shepherds dog into Littlest's room and locks her in.
 
| 3:29PM |
 
Dad returns to bed enthusiastically. Mom is double-bounced like on a trampoline. Back and head rub recommences.
 
| 3:40PM |
 
Dad has bored himself to sleep. His hand that is sliding down Mom's face is the approximate size and weight of a cast-iron frying pan. He pokes Mom in the eye. Cue snoring.
 
| 3:41PM |
 
Mom removes Dad's finger from her eye (Dad: "Whaaa? Where are you going? I totally wasn't sleeping.") Gets up; nap time has concluded for one of them. Time to take Littlest to swimming.
 
 
DAD
takes a nap
 
| 1:52PM |
 
Goes to bed.
 
| 4:12PM |
 
Wakes up.
 
 
The END