17 April 2012

Hi, Remember Me?

It took me a long time to work up to this post ~ both in the decision to write it and the writing itself ~ so it'll be more on the short-and-sweet side than my usual essays. I hope you'll overlook it.

You may have noticed that I've been MIA for a while now (if you're a regular reader, how could you not?) I've been reluctant to address my occasional lapses because as we all know, once you put something out on the internet, it's OUT THERE, and I wasn't sure I wanted the truth of the matter connected with me forevermore. However, I've made a commitment to "keep things real" here at the Money Pit, and to me that's a commitment that stands even when it's uncomfortable. Principles aren't principles at all if they're only applied 50% of the time, right? Then they're just guidelines at best, and I have higher standards for the Pit, and you should too.

So with that in mind, this is where I'm at.

I struggle with depression, and have for some time now. I'm learning to manage it, but there are times when it's easier and times when it's more difficult. Recently it's been difficult. I try not to make excuses and I feel guilty every minute that I'm not participating in my life ~ at home, on the blog, in my own mind ~ but learning to manage that guilt and my own expectations (rather than become further mired in it) is all part of the recovery process. And when I drop off the radar as I have done recently, it's not because my commitment or interest has waned (it hasn't), or because I don't have any desire to participate (I do) or even that I don't have anything to say (I have lots, often). It's just the nature of the thing to disengage in a few areas or all of them, and with time eventually I crawl out of my little hole and pick up where I left off.

Now I know this admission may alienate some and to you I say, fair enough. I hate the label "mental health issue" because it's such a wide brush with which to paint people ~ and feels so sticky and permanent ~ but that's the clinical bucket into which depression is grouped so I understand if some of you shy away. I also know that others will relate, whether you are open about it or not, whether you share your struggle or not, and to you I say, I get it. Hang in. And for most other folks I expect that you'll have read this post, maybe raised your eyebrows a bit, and then will likely move to the next posting in your Google reader and never give it a second thought until the next time I disappear for a bit, or the time after that.

However you integrate this information into what you currently think of me personally or the Money Pit in general, I respect your feelings on the matter. This won't be a topic that I explore in depth on the blog; I like to reserve this space for things that make me happy and since neither over-sharing on a deeply personal level nor discussing the intricacies of depression make me happy, this will likely be the only time I address it. I hope you'll understand. Which is not to say you can't or shouldn't ask questions or comment ~ please feel free; you'll just never see another dedicated post.

But on a more positive note, my nose is definitely starting to come up out of the tailspin and I'm starting to feel more like my usual self. Twitter has actually been a bit of a godsend (who knew?!), allowing me to keep a finger on the pulse of many of my bloggy friends, and even to participate a little bit in 140-character bursts. And from tweeting it's just a hop, skip and a jump to full-on, five-day-a-week blogging. Stand by for the resumption of our regularly scheduled programming ....

xo
April